INTOXICATION . .

You won’t ever see this. But, that’s okay.

I couldn’t remember for the life of me what I wanted to say to you.
I think it’s because I didn’t really have anything to tell you…
I mean… Remember when you told me that throughout the day, you have those moments where you’re just like ‘omg, I have to tell her this!’..?
Well, I think that’s why when I finally get to talk to you, I think I have so much to tell you, when really, there’s nothing really relevant or important to tell you about my day .. It’s just all these things that happen throughout the day, that I stop and wish for a second that I could just tell you— again, not because it’s important, or anything awesome, or terrible or even relevant to anything at all… But just because I want to share things with you, and talk to you, and, I don’t know. You know what I mean though.

Er, you say you always do. So, I hope you do.

But, ANYWAY…
I think that’s why I can’t remember what I wanted to say.
Because it was nothing.
Nothing specifically.
Just all these small things.
A lot of things remind me of you. And you’re always on my mind.
And so, there’s a lot of things in the run of a day that I wish I could tell you about, just because.

Like.. I don’t know.
- How big my puppy got since I seen him last.
- How I couldn’t sleep last night and kept myself up because my sister and her boyfriend were supposed to sleep on separate levels of dads place last night, and I was supposed to make sure of it, but I was too tired to go downstairs and make them go to bed, and too scared to walk into something, and just tired. But also, not sleeping because I had anxiety about how much shit I would get in if I didn’t go down to get them. I didn’t though. I eventually fell asleep.
- How annoying my dog was when he woke me up at 6AM, with stupid kisses (or “face wash” as they call it… Aka, If they want him to attack you, [i.e. suffocate you, and I mean seriously suffocate you. He is the size of a large bear.] And kiss you, they yell “FACE WASH _____(NAME)” and he will attack you with kisses. It’s adorable and disgusting.)
- Constantly how I get excited and nervous about school and then both at the same time, and even now… Like… How awesome would that be!? That would be so cool! But…. What if I don’t get accepted and I get excited and break my own heart? What if I do get accepted and then, can’t go? Like… AH. This happens a lot, but, I don’t get to tell you.
- I’m dying my hair! I think I told you that. Blond and brown. I’m bored again. Then maybe I’ll go all blond again (haaaa… Maybe not.), and then red again… It’s a never ending cycle.
- OH. The other day I went through my old email accounts (I have like 6), and I read all these old msgs…
So many different levels of regret.
It went back as far as junior high.
A few things that I read, made me hate me.
I could be a bully.
Not always. I was a sweetheart a lot of the time, but, there were moments, where I wish I could go back and punch myself in the face, and tell myself that I’m not as cool as I thought.
There were a few friends I was really horrible to… I regret that.
- Oh, and the other day my sister told me she found a journal entry my mom wrote about her… She was really upset about it..
Mom wrote about how untrustworthy my sister was, how she ruined her day, all this really … rude things.. I don’t know. It hurt my sisters feelings.
And frankly, it pissed me off.
But, also made me kind of upset, because… I can’t hate my mom. I never could; meg holds the grudge. I don’t.
All I could think was… How hurt my mom is, and how damaged she is and how I know she loves us and she just… Doesn’t knooooow hoooow….
I don’t know. Why do I stick up for her so much?
- I found a really catchy song I think you’d like too. It’s kind of lame, but, I’m addicted to it, and I feel like you’d jam to it too. Idk.
Maybe I’ll remember to show you someday.
- My grandparents just got back from Germany ! And they bought me a cool shirt. It’s weird. But, I like it. It’s neon pink. I don’t even care.
Idk. See? A lot of this stuff is so irrelevant to you. IDK.
- THESE CATS ARE SO FUCKING GOD DAMN IRRRRRITATINGGGGG.
- Also, it REALLY sucks not being able to say goodnight to you everynight… Really sucks.
- THE BOOK “SHIT MY DAD SAYS” SO FUCKING FUNNY.
You would die.

Anyway… Point is, there is a lot of things in the run of a day that I just wish I could tell you.
Love you.
Sleep well.
OXOXO